What is it like to be unfamiliar with the warm security of the love of a fellow human? I can’t say for sure, but I imagine it to be like an arctic tundra: cold, barren, non-nourishing, and no particular points of interest. Except worse. No hope of a home somewhere offering relief. Ever felt like that? I don’t know many, if any, people for whom this is truly accurate, but I’m afraid I know lots of people who have experienced this at some point, at least for a moment. When a lo

50 year birthday. Thanksgiving. Christmas Season. One son in college and another with his first car. It has all piled up on me. As I was driving to meet a couple of new clients this morning, my mind was flooded with memories. It was like watching an old 8mm film of my life, projected onto a white bed sheet hung from the mantle in the living room, only in my head, distracting me from the rainy day outside my jeep. I saw the mobile home on the southeast side of Monroe Louisiana

I’m thankful for my family. No really. I am. I know that sounds trite this time of year, but hear me out. I have seen one too many families fall apart. Maybe some not so much “fell apart,” as were violently but slowly and agonizingly pulled apart by seemingly invisible, giant claws. Decisions. Mine is still together. But by God’s Grace Alone, there go I. I feel compelled to help others pull together when and where I can. Because relationships shouldn’t be given up over thing

I turned 50 about a month ago. I have yet to reach an age for which I’m not ready, where I feel like I haven’t accomplished enough for my age, or at which I am dissatisfied with who or what I am. 50 is no exception. I have learned some things in the last year or so: Don’t bother sharing thoughts, hopes, dreams, disappointments etc. with others. They are most often met with an enduring apathy or a fast fading sympathy. Don’t expect a return on investments in other people. Do i

A chrysalis is the shell, or bag – the container – in which a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. The idea of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly is amazing and inspiring to any elementary school student, but sadly, many adults never look at this metamorphosis from a more mature perspective. A Butterfly undergoes its metamorphosis in a chrysalis. A moth does the same in a cocoon. A phoenix does something similar in its own ashes. Here’s the cool part: for all of a caterpillar’s l

In my last entry, I referred to my present health and career crisis as a storm. I considered and then wrote about how it built up and finally blew up. In explaining this to my present clients, I even drew a picture of a mushroom cloud as an illustration of my job situation. 44 The Lord hurled a great wind on the sea and there was a great storm on the sea so that the ship was about to break up. 5 Then the sailors became afraid and every man cried to his god . . . Since then, I

She hardly caught an ounce of sleep the night before her alarm awakened her for her appointment. Reagan had taken the kids to school so that she could sleep in a little, both of them knowing sleep would be difficult due to nerves. After he returned home to pick her up, they loaded and got on the road pretty quickly. Nothing much to say. The drive to the clinic seemed infinite, but they finally pulled into the parking lot of a brick building with several store fronts, one of w

Adopted. Some people ignorantly attach a stigma to that word. Unity doesn’t though. She was born at an early age to her natural mom and mom’s boyfriend at the time. One That was the beginning of a pattern for her. The local Child Protective Service picked her up and placed her in foster care, but in foster care she was moved often, every time other children needed to stay together in a home, and a couple of times when her foster parents had personal or marital problems. Up un

So is it a good thing or a bad thing? I think it’s healthy but no more fun than a shot in the buttocks for a ten year old. Children seem to enjoy their illusions: Santa brings them presents at Christmas, a Bunny brings candy at Easter, a Fairy exchanges money for baby teeth (a little creepy when said that way), a huge ape with big feet lives in the woods, et cetera. Part of maturing is releasing these fanciful myths in favor of reality, but it seems to me that after releasing

opening my eyes in the morning is often like the elevator doors opening after a solo ride from the top floor of the sears tower down to the fifth floor i’ve been comfortable for some time, enjoying a not-too-hot not-too-cold pleasant temperature and some instrumental music in dim lighting and solitude and then the doors open and in comes a stranger, a thought, separating the space of the elevator in two and pushing me into my half just before the doors close, or i hit snooze,

A line from an old song by Rush says “The mirror always lies to the beautiful and the wise.” I think there’s some truth to that. I’ve heard too many healthy people insist they were fat. Too many compassionate people beat themselves up for being insensitive; too many friendly people self deprecate for a perceived “rudeness” and one too many individuals claim that they weren’t worthy of love. Well they are – worthy. You are. I am. These lies come from a variety of sources. Some

I can’t tell you her age, because as far as I could tell she was ageless. But as I approach 50, I am gaining an appreciation for cheerful people. Don’t tell anybody though. I still cajole them for having such an “unrealistic” point of view, but deep down, I envy them and to some degree cherish them. Where I saw the dirt under my feet, she noticed the floating specks in the sunshine. Where I saw a cloudy, dismal day, she welcomed the refreshing water. Where I might be annoyed

If you’ve read some of my posts you would understand that I’ve struggled with depression through much of my life (inceptivus, caligo, view from a hole). You would also see that I have dealt with anxiety fairly regularly (Deus Patria Ipse, vita). It would further be evident that I have wandered through significant doubts and struggles in my faith (labo, mendacium, Jireh). If you weren’t careful, you would think I was a miserable person, but I’m not. First of all, these are onl

Today is my oldest son’s birthday. He is 17. He seems to be ok. Not sure how many times I’ve wondered if he or I would make it even this far but today I have realistic hope that he will be a functioning, responsible adult. Someday. Still have miles to go, but I think he’s going to make it. He will need a car to drive, so I’m selling him my toyota landcruiser at half-price. That leaves me looking for a replacement vehicle to be an off-road-worthy, reliable daily driver for som

So much arguing and so little clarity about so many things. So many people bicker over ideas without defining the terms they are using as they sling their words. But the definitions make all the difference. Some recognize this and use the unrecognized dissonance to their advantage and some assume both sides of the argument agree on the definition. Further, some (many) rebel against whatever authority may have established already a definition, and then manufacture a debate by

Upped my lexapro. How it works I don’t know. World was dim hard to go out, like my head was full of phlegm. stumbling around in the dark for a key to a door that’s already open.* Upped my lexapro and I wake up hearing the morning trill of the birds flitting about in the morning chill I would have never guessed the world could be so different because of a little pill. *old Police lyric #work #dark #zen #poetry #anxiety #peace #poem #nature #Depression #panic

boy and dad in the air on the wind the very spring of glad fatherly advice, real concern not heeded – all good fun boy will never learn gravity consumes lift earth and cold reality approaching rather swift but no longer attached wings now move with ease leaving birds behind falling through the clouds acceptance in the mind this is boy’s demise flight is not for men dad bought his own lies white caps splash cold water embraces too numb to feel the crash from above again he see

one tear drop of sadness capsule of self pity morsel of despair escapes the corner of her eye to explore her winter reddened cheek but the swollen gravity of her heart pulls it straight down a small convex mirror it rolls down over the cold and closed pores of her cheeks all her cells shutting it out a reflection of her bruised soul and crushed dreams as well as the faces of strangers on the train diverting their eyes daring not to care too deeply leaving a trail of wet hopel

Evening outside brings parties and laughter, stars and lights and jovial chatter. Watching from alone, dark seeps in bringing dragons of fears, regrets of past sin. Wings are not feather but black latex I can’t fight. Dragons’ breath is fire but neither warmth or light. The bottom of the well: roots and spiders invading. Can’t grip to climb, My senses are fading. A welcome respite to find deeper darkness still; lights and laughter from above reflect the party on the hill. The

An Effort at Empathy: How long can I hide my incompetence? They will surely see through the veil today.          (professional) I hear him coming – he and his belt Will mom let him again? I was just trying to play.           (girl in closet) So many attack even friends viciously betray Why should helping the people be this way?        (politician) I need to be me Stop calling that a sin! You be you, and they are they Try to understand what it is to be born this way.        (L